SUV 2x4s

As September rolls  into October I subconsciously brace myself for the incoming "holiday season" - (my personal nickname for the months of October/ November through...oh February or March...you know HalloThanksChristmaNewYearValenEaster!) I confess...I actually LOVE the holiday season- the family, chaos, dinners, lists written and forgotten, decorations,etc but it  really is kind of a love hate relationship. I find myself hopping from joy to loathing to contentedness to frustration back to joy to regret then to anticipation as one holiday snowballs into another. Most years I simply battle with my expectations lofted way up in the realm of nostalgia, trying desperately to recreate those warm fuzzy feelings and memories I remember from childhood within the reality of adulthood and a budget, but this year has been a bit different.

This year I am fighting....the blues and a touch of pity party central. Things just are NOT lining up at all the way I had imagined and logically I understand the why, but my heart just says "ppphhhhbbbtttt!!!" Money has been tight, time has been scarce and life has been overwhelming and petulant in its daily demands.It is one of those "I just don't want to be an adult anymore" kinds of period of time....and it sucks. I guess I have kind of been looking at my "holiday season" through Charlie Brown glasses.."oh bother."  

Fortunately I had a bizarre "knock you to your senses" kind of moment and it happened while standing in my flip flops in freezing weather at the gas station. As I stood there shivering in my flip flops, frump outfit and messy bun waiting for my gas to pump the "meager" half tank I could afford...I was feeling sorry for myself and I wondered "gee I wonder if anyone else sees how sad I am, with my stupid half a tank of gas and tight frickin' budget?" And then I turned and looked at my car and laughed at myself. No really I did. See, I own a Lincoln Navigator and I don't say that to brag, but because it is relevant to the fact that it was my two by four to the head. So here I am shivering, because I am the dork who wore flip flops in 30 something degree weather, sulking because I can't fill up my nice frickin' car, feeling sorry because things are so tight and not how I want them and in reality and then WHAM two by four in the shape of and SUV. 

In that moment I realized two things. One, I have much to be grateful for and that counting ones blessings really does help you to feel better. Right then and there I began counting my blessings and to some my list would seem trivial in part and perhaps arrogant in others, but God has blessed my family in such amazing ways- it was good to be reminded. And I have had to revisit that list a few times as my pity party keeps trying to blow up balloons and bring in a d.j. Just this evening two wonderful blessings came through for us, the first being we managed to get some money to buy a Thanksgiving dinner that wasn't spaghetti and the second that our fresh turkey, normally a dollar something or more a pound and kind of our only option so late in the game, was tagged at a discount price by a kind lady in the meat department so that not only was it less per pound, but would qualify for an additional discount making it possible for me to buy a few more things! Yes, I did cry in the supermarket much to my children's embarrassment, but I just couldn't help it. 

And two, I realized you can't "judge a a book by its cover." Hard times come to everyone even if it doesn't seem like that person could actually have a hard time in life. And although I may not think what one person is dealing with is really "all that tough" I can't actually know how tough it is for them. As I stood by my car only able to fill it up part way and looked over my budget and tried to find ways to pinch and save- I felt sad, frustrated and disappointed because it is a tough place to be. Looking at me with my "fancy car" it would be easy to say "Hmph, really? Spoiled much?" And in comparison to some perhaps I am "spoiled," however at the end of the day I was a mom trying to stretch a tight budget with as minimal affect to my home and children as possible, and fancy car or not, that makes me just like so many others in the same boat. 

So here it is, early Thanksgiving morning, because I should be sleeping but can't, and I am....thankful. Thankful for the big things and the small things, grateful for discounted turkeys and last minute funds and grateful for the struggles and awkward moments that have helped me grow as a person and see life slightly different....slightly better....with a gratitude attitude!

Part of the mother-hood

Motherhood.

Many things come to mind when you hear that word. Quirky comments like "the toughest 'hood' around...," sweet sayings, "there is no greater gift than motherhood." or even sarcastic quips, "mother- noun- one person who does the work of twenty. For free."

When one tries to define motherhood, many things come to mind.
Caregiver
Cook, chauffeur and maid
Unconditional love
Comforter
A person who sacrifices for another
A parent

And the list really can go on and on and go in so many directions depending on whom you are talking.

Recently I discovered, or perhaps was reminded, that motherhood is also a special type of mentality that once you are within it is also part of a "greater good" so to speak.

In my last post I openly shared my struggle with being a mother right now. I shared this post to heal, but I was terrified of the judgement that I assumed would come down on me. Like I had said, "what mother feels like this?"

What happened instead warmed my soul and gave me much comfort. The fellow mothers in my life came to me and said "it's okay" and offered all the advice and words of comfort they had. They reached out in concern and used those same tools instilled inside them to help "mother" a fellow mother in need.

Thank you! Thank you to you friends, family and fellow moms that have reached out to me. Please know that EVERY word, suggestion and hug has helped and continues to help. So quickly I have already begun to feel more healed...and it came from receiving the "mothering," in a way, that I have been struggling to give. I still have my "hurts," but now I also know that I can work through them, I am not alone in feeling them and that I am not an evil villain for having them.

What an amazing thing to know that motherhood is more than a title or a job, but is also a community of strength! I encourage you mamas out there to share if you feel you have a weakness, a doubt or a fear because when we moms come together to help one another there is an AMAZING strength in that unity!

Seeking Healing From Motherhood Failure

This image, or ones similar, have been frequenting my Facebook page recently and although the sentiment is sweet I often find myself feeling more nauseated than twitterpated. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids- no really I do, and hugs and kisses are great, but sometimes they just aren't enough. 

Motherhood very rarely falls into the picture perfect image I have in my head. When I was little it was all I wanted to be and now that I am, sometimes I wonder "what on earth was I thinking?" Perhaps I missed the line for  the awesome mother genes, but I feel I often struggle more than succeed with being a mom. And the game is always changing. What was effective yesterday is useless today. What was an argument two minutes ago is now the perfect solution. Really??? For the most you just roll with the punches and each day ends well enough.

But what about the challenges and the days where kisses, hugs and sweet words aren't enough? What about the days where you just aren't sure you can wake up and do it one more day? Then what?

Lately it seems my mommy tank is simply.......empty. I know I love my kids, and I am willing to do my mommy job, but if you were to ask me.....I just don' wanna....and I honestly wonder some days if I'll even be able to. I feel defeated and drained. My energy is sapped dry. My heart is drained. My mind is scattered like ashes to the wind. 

I have found myself looking at my child in need of a hug and I actually hear the thoughts "I just can't do it" in my head. I can already feel the energy in my being drain as I look at this child knowing they need from me and I hesitate to reach out, battling the knowledge that I should with my fear of the emptiness I will experience. And then I feel guilt. What mother hesitates to hug her child? So I reach out and hold this child, fighting the feeling to push them away as I feel myself being wrung dry. I pat their back, trying to offer comfort and hide my tears while in my mind desperately praying for strength for me and love for them. The hug ends and they go on their way feeling better and I smile at them through gritted teeth, trying to force lightheartedness into my eyes and smile while my nails are digging into the palms of my closed fist trying to hide my pain and release it at the same time. Once they are out of sight and contentedly doing their thing I sit and try to gather myself, wanting to scream, but only able to cry. 

What kind of mother am I? An awful one. A selfish one. A failing one. 

No.

I am a human one. Even in the shadow of my faults I have to acknowledge my weakness is my humanness, and give my self that small bit of allowance. No person, no matter how strong, valiant, determined, selfless, loving- can give forever without end. 

So what do I do? How do I heal me? 

I do not really know. 

I do know this. 

In those moments with people who love me- there is healing. 

In those hugs, although they take- there is healing. 

In the quiet moments- there is healing.

In the praise song- there is healing.

In my prayers- there is healing.

Right now the healing does not seem to fill me up as fast as it is being taken, but I think....I think, if I give it time and seek out those things that heal me, I will be rejuvenated. And I need to rejuvenate me because I need to heal me so I can be a better mom. I want to hold my children without ire or hurt. I want to hear their stories in detail and not dread the sound of their voices. I want to hug them and be hugged and share a mutual love, joy and bonding of spirits. I want to be the mommy I know I am again. 

So my friends who may be reading this- if I don't seem like myself, or I am a bit extra clingy and drain your spirit- I am sorry- my soul is seeking healing and my love tanks are seeking to be filled. If I don't seem to understand your sorrows or help you as well as I could- I am sorry- I am struggling to help me, but know I love you and I will help as best I can. If I am withdrawn, know it isn't you, but rather me protecting my wounds. And if you have read all of this please know that I know I am struggling and I know these words are harsh to read- imagine how it must be for me to actually feel them. I share them not to beg for pity, but because there is also healing in the sharing and the understanding. 

(deep cleansing breath)

I already for a warm glow of hope radiating warmth. I can do this. There will be joy again.....soon. 

A Job of Love

As a mom it is easy to justify myself when I fall behind in my chores around the house. I didn't fold and put away laundry, but I washed it. That counts for something, right? Dinner was drive through. Ok, yes....again, but at least the family ate, right? 

I meant to mop, but....

Things are picked up and put.....somewhere....

I'm still sorting that.

I can't organize that till I buy a organizer thingy.

I was sick.

A kid was sick.

We are recovering from being sick.

I'm tired today.

The kids were tired.

It is still mostly clean. 

It is a frumpy day.

The kids were difficult.

I work 24/7- 365 I deserve one day off!

The house looks "lived in" and it should, right? We are a family and we do live here after all. 

Besides I am a MOM and I do so much more than you can even see; working out fights, life lessons, battling child meltdowns and hormones. I mean if a person had to deal with their job back-talking and giving it a life lesson each time the opportune moment presented itself, well I am sure no business would promise to have it delivered in 30 minutes or it's free and you would definitely kiss "guaranteed to be delivered by" goodbye! 

Lots of valid reasons to be behind in my jobs and I have used them all more than once, including tonight. 

Tonight my husband woke up to kids fighting, came out to a mildly messy (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being worst disaster ever, 1 being "like how grandma kept her pristine home," about a 6- "lived in right after small child hurricanes came through"), had to find clean clothes in the "washed, but not yet folded" pile and ate cold fast food for dinner. Needless to say he was not happy and he unleashed the grump beast on me. 

"Is it so much to ask that you do your job?" he asked, frowning at his cold tacos. 

The excuses came rolling into my head fast and furious and my back stiffened indignantly.

 "What I ask for isn't much, but I guess it is too much to hope for. You know what I want, but I guess it's never gonna happen." 

Too irritated to hear anymore I left and went to "take care" of these super important things that I should have done, but didn't for a very good reason and was now too pissed to do, but was going to do anyway since it is "what he wanted" and heaven forbid he be inconvenienced. Harumph!!!

Not too long after, but long enough that I had battled between anger and self pity, he came down to find me "enduring my martyrdom" of midnight laundry folding. He apologized. I released the floodgate and cried....I was sorry too. 

Hubby and I have battled this struggle before. He wants a clean home, cared for children and food to eat- preferably home cooked and not "uh well this is what I came up with at the top of my head because I didn't plan" surprise casserole. I know this. I also know that when I actually TRY I can do it and do it well and it makes everything run smoothly and feel peaceful. So why doesn't it happen? Well.....you read my reasons......uh justifications........ok my excuses why earlier. Bottom line, laziness and procrastination were my frien-emies long before he was ever my beloved husband and they are terribly persuasive.

Right before my husband left we briefly discussed bills and upcoming expenses. He kissed me good bye, told me he loved me and sighed. 

"Why the sigh?"

"It is nothing."

"Really? Are you ok? What is wrong?"

"Nothing. Really. I just have to go work so I can provide for the happiness of the household. It's my job. It's what I do. Love you."

He gave me one more kiss and left, but I could sense the burden of his responsibility on his shoulders.

"It is my job. It is what I do." My heart ached and my shoulders slumped. A feeling of melancholy settled as I contemplated how I could help him. Could I help bring in money? What could I do? The desire to help him  ached inside. How can I help his burden?

"It's my job. It's what I do."

Lightening struck and it definitely stung a little. The answer was, quite literally, in front of me. I could do my job. I could do my job! When the home is clean and he has good food to eat and is a place of peace, he can escape to it and be rejuvenated. He can feel at ease knowing this part of his world is taken care of and he does not need to worry about it because I have it covered. So simple and so important. 

Yes. I have many justifications to not do my chores, but I have a really important reason to do them.....because they are my job and because I love my family. My husband works to provide because he loves us. So do I and I had forgotten that. There is joy loving my family through the work I do and I need to love them the best I can. 

The Texting Driver

This recently showed up on my Facebook page 

and I think it is important enough to share. 

Please watch. 

I think most of us can say we have seen it, been in the car while it is happening or maybe even done it ourselves- read or replied to a text while driving. We live in a world where instant gratification is becoming like a demanding need instead of a want and we find ourselves in constant "go mode."

If it rings answer it. 

If it dings reply to it.

If it knocks answer it. 

Need an answer send a text. 

Have a moment "check-in."

But do we really need this instant gratification all the time? Do we need the constant plug in? Are we paying too high a price? 

The people in the video above did. 

It is so easy to say "I can handle it," or "that won't happen to me." I am sure that is what these people thought too. My step son is about to drive and all I want to tell him is just turn the stupid thing off while you drive.  Nothing is important enough to risk your life. I have been the passenger of a texting driver and although I felt a little nervous, I didn't say anything. I should have. And be warned my dear family and friends, I will say something now, because although I have been fortunate enough so far NOT to be affected by texting and driving I don't want any of us to be....ever.

It may not seem like a big deal. You do it all the time. Could do it with your eyes closed. It is just a moment. Would you drive while drunk? If not than you shouldn't drive while texting either because a texting driver is WORSE than a drunk driver.

 From cnbc.com:

The folks at Car and Driver Magazine have now documented just dangerous it can be.

Rigging a car with a red light to alert drivers when to brake, the magazine tested how long it takes to hit the brake when sober, when legally drunk at .08, when reading and e-mail, and when sending a text. The results are scary. Driving 70 miles per hour on a deserted air strip Car and Driver editor Eddie Alterman was slower and slower reacting and braking when e-mailing and texting.

The results:

• Unimpaired: .54 seconds to brake

• Legally drunk: add 4 feet

• Reading e-mail: add 36 feet

• Sending a text: add 70 feet

When I took the test for reading e-mail or texting, I was just as slow to react. On average, it took me four times longer to hit the brake. Mike Austin at Car and Driver told me in blunt terms that I was "way worse" than the average driver.

Don't text and drive. There is no need and nothing so dire it can't wait. Honest. 

Come home alive, don't text and drive!

At long last!

I am so thrilled to announce that my precious little niece IS HERE!!! 

Welcome to the world Elliana Lily

 8 lbs 1 ounce and 20 inches of beautiful preciousness!    

It was a long, challenging process and my sister did AWESOME! I should also note that her husband was amazing too! My friend Jamie, my sister's husband and I worked as an "amazing team" (as described by the ob nurses) through days of the induction and labor process, but none worked so hard as my sister! Props to her hubby too of course! (Did I really just use "props?" Did my use of the word "props" just totally age me? Hmmm.... Oh well.) And yes I am going to brag because she was truly much stronger than she believed herself to be.

 I know some will say "it is a natural process and every woman does it, so why is her doing it such a big deal?" And, sure to some degree they are right- it is a natural process, however in my (perhaps not so humble opinion) every woman deserves at least a moment of praise for making it through, especially the ones who have to fight a little extra! My sister definitely had to fight an uphill battle against a body that wasn't ready and medical treatment that seemed to want to undo every step forward she took, but she did it. I know I have said it a lot, but bare with me one more time- I am so PROUD of you sis!

And seeing their happy little family all together, bonding, happy, well and safe a feeling of peace came over me. In that sweet moment I happily knew my "job" was done and I was content with that. I am auntie to Ellie and she is mommy and I had my own wonderful family I needed to get home to; to hold, love on and take care of and I missed them.

Her mommy journey is just beginning, but I have had the great (and at times challenging) honor of my own special family journey and I am not done yet. My little ones need me still and what joy that fills my heart with! Our lives are full of tae kwon do and dance and school and chores and growing and learning and each moment, even the stressful, crazy ones or the challenging learning ones, are important and special. Before she knows it she will be where I am and I will be getting ready to set mine free, oh how scary that thought is. Seems like forever some days, but before I know it that moment will be here and so I have to remember that I have right now.

Right now to hug.

Right now to kiss.

Right now to teach.
Right now to help.

Right now to cheer. 

Right now to guide.
Right now to play.

Forever to love.

Slow and steady....causes contemplation

Man oh man the baby waiting game is TOUGH!! My sis has been in the hospital since Thursday night going through the process of being induced and it has been s-l-o-w! Baby just is not in the mood to play this being born game. I did recently receive the exciting news that her water broke, so now the official countdown is ON! Come on baby...LET'S GO!!!

As I, hem hem...er...patiently-ish, wait lots of things are going through my mind. I can't help but contemplate the irony of the fact that several times in the past few days I have wanted to "take out" a kid or two (oh the joys of pre-tween hormonal driven sibling battles) while she is anxious to "bring one in!" 

I also have found myself reviewing my whole role as sister. 

The simple truth is my sister and I have been INCREDIBLY close all our lives. Perhaps even more close than typical siblings and because of this we have been intertwined in one another lives in a complicated and deeply rooted way. Very little happens in one of our lives without it affecting the other in some way, be it as simple as advice or full on hands on help. We have been best friends, siblings, confidantes, conspirators, fighters and survivors together and each experience created a depth to our relationship that few fully comprehend, but most recognize as deep, strong and untouchable. 

However, as I watch her and her husband work through this induction process and face this new milestone in their lives I realize my role in this moment is different than it ever has been, I am a supporting a role not a main character in this script. I know in my mind this is good, right and as it should be, but I confess a part of me aches to be a main and pivotal role in this moment with her and even in this moment of joy I feel some sadness and.....almost a loss. As their relationship grows stronger together I am afraid ours will weaken. I should know better. And more than that I should be thrilled for them. Such a selfish confession this is. I know my view is faulty, but I think I needed this moment to let my feelings hurt and heal. 

I almost have to laugh at myself because I know if (when) she reads this I am going to get a "look." You know what I mean, a facial expression that says "Really?" "Seriously?" and "You have to be kidding me!" all at once. And I deserve it. 

I think if I am honest with myself I am afraid she won't need me anymore. In this amazing moment she and her husband are strong, full of love and they have each other and that is all they truly need and this is not only good, but as it should be. However, I need to realize their strength is unique and its own, just like their relationship and just like the relationship I share with her. 

(Sis, if/when you read this, I am sorry for my bizarre jealousy and fears. Hopefully it didn't affect you in any way. And you can trust that I am over myself! I love you!)