This year I am fighting....the blues and a touch of pity party central. Things just are NOT lining up at all the way I had imagined and logically I understand the why, but my heart just says "ppphhhhbbbtttt!!!" Money has been tight, time has been scarce and life has been overwhelming and petulant in its daily demands.It is one of those "I just don't want to be an adult anymore" kinds of period of time....and it sucks. I guess I have kind of been looking at my "holiday season" through Charlie Brown glasses.."oh bother."
Fortunately I had a bizarre "knock you to your senses" kind of moment and it happened while standing in my flip flops in freezing weather at the gas station. As I stood there shivering in my flip flops, frump outfit and messy bun waiting for my gas to pump the "meager" half tank I could afford...I was feeling sorry for myself and I wondered "gee I wonder if anyone else sees how sad I am, with my stupid half a tank of gas and tight frickin' budget?" And then I turned and looked at my car and laughed at myself. No really I did. See, I own a Lincoln Navigator and I don't say that to brag, but because it is relevant to the fact that it was my two by four to the head. So here I am shivering, because I am the dork who wore flip flops in 30 something degree weather, sulking because I can't fill up my nice frickin' car, feeling sorry because things are so tight and not how I want them and in reality and then WHAM two by four in the shape of and SUV.
In that moment I realized two things. One, I have much to be grateful for and that counting ones blessings really does help you to feel better. Right then and there I began counting my blessings and to some my list would seem trivial in part and perhaps arrogant in others, but God has blessed my family in such amazing ways- it was good to be reminded. And I have had to revisit that list a few times as my pity party keeps trying to blow up balloons and bring in a d.j. Just this evening two wonderful blessings came through for us, the first being we managed to get some money to buy a Thanksgiving dinner that wasn't spaghetti and the second that our fresh turkey, normally a dollar something or more a pound and kind of our only option so late in the game, was tagged at a discount price by a kind lady in the meat department so that not only was it less per pound, but would qualify for an additional discount making it possible for me to buy a few more things! Yes, I did cry in the supermarket much to my children's embarrassment, but I just couldn't help it.
And two, I realized you can't "judge a a book by its cover." Hard times come to everyone even if it doesn't seem like that person could actually have a hard time in life. And although I may not think what one person is dealing with is really "all that tough" I can't actually know how tough it is for them. As I stood by my car only able to fill it up part way and looked over my budget and tried to find ways to pinch and save- I felt sad, frustrated and disappointed because it is a tough place to be. Looking at me with my "fancy car" it would be easy to say "Hmph, really? Spoiled much?" And in comparison to some perhaps I am "spoiled," however at the end of the day I was a mom trying to stretch a tight budget with as minimal affect to my home and children as possible, and fancy car or not, that makes me just like so many others in the same boat.
So here it is, early Thanksgiving morning, because I should be sleeping but can't, and I am....thankful. Thankful for the big things and the small things, grateful for discounted turkeys and last minute funds and grateful for the struggles and awkward moments that have helped me grow as a person and see life slightly different....slightly better....with a gratitude attitude!
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