Slow and steady....causes contemplation

Man oh man the baby waiting game is TOUGH!! My sis has been in the hospital since Thursday night going through the process of being induced and it has been s-l-o-w! Baby just is not in the mood to play this being born game. I did recently receive the exciting news that her water broke, so now the official countdown is ON! Come on baby...LET'S GO!!!

As I, hem hem...er...patiently-ish, wait lots of things are going through my mind. I can't help but contemplate the irony of the fact that several times in the past few days I have wanted to "take out" a kid or two (oh the joys of pre-tween hormonal driven sibling battles) while she is anxious to "bring one in!" 

I also have found myself reviewing my whole role as sister. 

The simple truth is my sister and I have been INCREDIBLY close all our lives. Perhaps even more close than typical siblings and because of this we have been intertwined in one another lives in a complicated and deeply rooted way. Very little happens in one of our lives without it affecting the other in some way, be it as simple as advice or full on hands on help. We have been best friends, siblings, confidantes, conspirators, fighters and survivors together and each experience created a depth to our relationship that few fully comprehend, but most recognize as deep, strong and untouchable. 

However, as I watch her and her husband work through this induction process and face this new milestone in their lives I realize my role in this moment is different than it ever has been, I am a supporting a role not a main character in this script. I know in my mind this is good, right and as it should be, but I confess a part of me aches to be a main and pivotal role in this moment with her and even in this moment of joy I feel some sadness and.....almost a loss. As their relationship grows stronger together I am afraid ours will weaken. I should know better. And more than that I should be thrilled for them. Such a selfish confession this is. I know my view is faulty, but I think I needed this moment to let my feelings hurt and heal. 

I almost have to laugh at myself because I know if (when) she reads this I am going to get a "look." You know what I mean, a facial expression that says "Really?" "Seriously?" and "You have to be kidding me!" all at once. And I deserve it. 

I think if I am honest with myself I am afraid she won't need me anymore. In this amazing moment she and her husband are strong, full of love and they have each other and that is all they truly need and this is not only good, but as it should be. However, I need to realize their strength is unique and its own, just like their relationship and just like the relationship I share with her. 

(Sis, if/when you read this, I am sorry for my bizarre jealousy and fears. Hopefully it didn't affect you in any way. And you can trust that I am over myself! I love you!)